sidekick to the face

if one of my friends every got seriously injured on a trampoline, of course i would laugh. i would also describe him to my friends as hilariously injured

i went to the t-mobile store to check some stuff out and check why my phone was being stupid. this is the real events of the.....event
-hey, so my phone doesn't display random names on text messages, it'll only show the number. solution?
*girl behind counter takes my phone*
-yea, this exact thing totally happened to my sidekick to. i have no idea how to fix it
*continues to look through my phone, opening up various menus*'d you eventually fix it?
-oh, i didn't. still does it
*continues to look through my phone, opening up various menus*
+in my brain= well if you couldn't figure it out on your sidekick.... then what are you doing on my phone+
-ummm.... can i have my phone back?
*most awkward phone handover in the history of ever*

alright probably high school kid on sidewalk riding a bmx bike, it is to freakin hot to be wearing those long pants and that beanie. heat exhaustion isn't the way to being popular. man up and wear some jean shorts

i realized a terrible terrible thing the other night. if i leave my windows open, those possums i see at night all the time might climb into my car. how the frick have i never realized this. i don't care about thieves, sitting down in my car and having a possum hiss at me from the back seat is AAAHAHHHHHHHHh

i am literally never thinking arbys

i wonder what the percentage of girls in the world put a rose on their dash

my good friend allison hibbard gave me an eagle statue a few weeks ago. it is as majestic as the constitution itself. problem is, is that i have no idea where to put the thing. it's to good to put in my room, i'll barely ever see it. solution?

i strapped him into my passenger seat and named him troy aikman

troy hates when i break the law, and hates a messy car. he's been in there since he entered my life, and i don't plan on him moving soon

everything in moderation is totally fine, including victory dances and calling out chumps when you see em

sometimes i like to pick a youtube video, any youtube video, and see how many comments i can scroll down before someone cusses. i think my record is 5

i wore white pants today. i like em. but i'm actually just excited for the day when i don't wear them as much and i turn them into jean shorts. it's like the equivalent of a farmer looking at a cow and being excited for steak burger fridays, so he buys the cow. or like when a normal american man sees a tree and gets excited for a possible new baseball bat, so he cuts down the entire tree and burns whatever he doesn't use. or when PETA sees a dead dog on the side of the road and gets excited for all the people they're going to yell at and demean for having absolutely nothing to do with actual animal cruelty

me and a bunch of friends went to "cherry on top" tonight. if you don't know, "cherry on top" is just like every other yogurt place in the world, i don't care what anyone says, it's all pretty much the same.
anyways, travis wanted diet coke, so we went to mcdonalds. i suddenly realized i would way rather have mcdonalds then stupid yogurt.

after sitting back down in "cherry on yogurtland" with my large big and tasty meal, multiple people followed suit and bolted for mcdonalds. it's not about setting trends, it's about realizing that mcdonalds may be "unhealthy" but is still just so freakin good.

when you eat food in front of people that would rather be having your food than their stupid yogurt, a look creeps into their faces that can only be described as "regret"

the other day i sat down and ate 2 big and tasty burgers and a large fry in 10 minutes. this may seem disgusting to certain people, but to me it was both satisfying, fulfilling, and inspiring and satisfying. and whatever word can be used to describe that feeling when you win at something, but it's not a competition. like lifting the really heavy box by yourself, or jumping onto the couch from far away and landing exactly how you wanted, or looking at a plate of food and having people say "oh you can't possibly eat that much, oh my gosh, there's no way, i'm so annoying" and then you saying "watch this" and 10 minutes later doing a double fist pump but then calming down because you don't want to rile up the innards after that pile of grease you just devoured

when i die, i want God to have a count of how many chips i ate in my lifetime, but it all in a pile, and see what actual mountains aren't taller than it