i'll probably regret this in the morning

its shocking how often i'll be in cvs and hear the theme song from beauty and the beast

i met my sisters new boyfriend last night. i meant to ask him a bunch of real tough questions, but i settled for these few. mercedes thinks i was being a jerk, but it was totally worth it

1. you have a job? you went to college? where? how long?
2. where do you live? why do you live with your sister?
3. what are your thoughts on moving in with your girlfriend before marriage?
4. what are your intentions with my sister?
5. are you 2 actually dating, or is this just hanging out?
6. do you go to church? why not?
7. what are your thoughts about sex before marriage?

i didn't make him answer that last one, i started just laughing way to hard

whatever i'm a brother. i'm allowed to ask these questions

elbow you into my life

the main reason why i love going to small shows is that it is a perfect breeding ground for unbearable awkwardness.
eg.- you see someone you know, you wave kind of, they see you but they smile but they might be looking at someone else, do you walk up? maybe you dont, but maybe they walk up to you, do you hug? maybe a small handshake. good luck trying to make conversation, but what the heck, you'll try anyways. oh you cant hear? well do you go outside, or was the only thing you were going to say was hello? then do you hang around them, or walk away?
its like a symphony of uncomfortable situations

every morning, without fail, a ball of lint will have formed in my bell button over night. and every morning in the shower, it escapes and runs down my leg and out of my life forever.
the other day i named it "cletus". every morning i've named the new guy
yesterday i yelled at fitzpatrick and told him to get out, and never come back. i stared him down as he headed down the drain

i feel like singing, i feel like dancing, i feel like boppin!! bop it, twist it, pull it

i don't care what corporate Honda says, it will always be the pond. emilio!!

no matter how many mints i eat, or how many pieces of gum i have, or the extensive time i spend brushing. if i burp, it was all for nothing

i love seeing someone get pulled over. especially for running red lights. oh man, if i see someone run a red and get pulled over, my week is complete

sometimes we work for people that i am certain have made up an accent. and why does she always have stuff to do in "lahuna beetch"?

i dont care about baseball

a long time ago, i went to a baseball game with...someone. i can't remember who, but i was there and the angels were playing and i kept trying to freak people out by waving my arms like that one kid in "angels in the outfield"

i kept walkin around because honestly, baseball is boring to me. i like the atmosphere and i like relaxing and hanging out, but i think i was with some lame people, which led to me making laps around the field

eventually it came time when i needed to pee. which is a normal thing to do in the life of a man. so i searched and found a bathroom

i walk in and there are probably 25 urinals in a row with no barrier in between. they are those ones that go to the floor (ladies, i know you wouldn't understand so you can just skip this part). guys you know what i'm talkin about. you could almost step into them

as an added bonus, i am completely alone in this bathroom. no one there and it's a big bathroom. clean too, which is odd. i'm at a baseball stadium, shouldn't there be chewing tobacco spit on the floor and spilt beer everywhere?

so i'm doing my thing (i picked the middle urinal because i like the space. in fact i love the space. i stretched my arms out to express how devoted i was to this space) and i hear someone come in

this next part is how i remember the conversation. i honestly don't know much about baseball, and what he was saying was complete gibberish to me, so i will "italisize" everything that he says

hey can you believe that double play? man, jimmy johnson really can turn that happenin around
...yea dude totally (i'm still in mid-pee)
yea after seeing that brush back from jimmy in that non existent strike zone, i couldn't believe he almost struck out that clean up hitter
....yea i couldn't believe it (this guy must be kidding, who the hell is jimmy?)

at this point the freakin guy pulls up to the urinal right next to me, and continues this completely ridiculous conversation

yea at first josh johnson had his foot in the bucket, but when the top of the 3rd, he really knocked the cover off the ball, and got that home run derby. so when he was up again, i was all mendoza line
...yea, one day he should really get that looked at (luke hurry up hurry up just finish already and get out of here)
yea nick johnson was completely off base when that fly ball right off the bat at the bottom of the 6th. i heard a bunch of rhubarb behind me about the call, saying it was foul
(done, thank heaven) its weird how that happens sometimes
(ok i may be in a rush, but i'm not gross. time to clean the hands)

hey, is elliot johnson coming up on the mound today or will it be that screwball russ johnson?!? hahahaha!!
you know what man, i really honestly have no idea, i don't know anything about....(whats this sport?)....baseball
hahaha yea your right, he's not coming up today after reed johnson parked his fastball in the 2nd. i turned to my buddy and was like "say it aint so joe!" hahahahaha!!
(this man is not listening to anything i'm saying)
alright man, i'll catch you later i guess
ok but check out the cat-bird seat air mail when baltimore chop basket catch blocks the plate that little wanker!!
...ok later

i just want to publicly announce that there is no chatting in mens bathrooms. and if by some chance, there has to be conversation, it has to be quick and with friends only

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap while playing baseball, and he used to change it every two innings

just me and the ritz

i'm not overdramatic, doing sound for horrible bands really actually makes me want to shoot a harpoon into my mouth

loud keyboard amps are my new worst enemy. i will make a group solely bent to the end of them. we will have meetings, and patches on jackets

no matter what, if i'm on the phone with someone having a serious conversation and i hear them order food at a drive through, it's over

sometimes i want to buy those fake eyes that people need when they lose an eye, and leave them places. eg; attics, fast food restaurants, urinals, on top of blind dogs, outside of braille colleges, inside people's jacket pockets, cereal boxes, kids strollers

someone just proposed on stage at a local band night at the vault. she said yes, we all witnessed it. every couple in the room kissed each other. i kissed shelby

when i'm at work and i've got a bunch of stuff in my hands (usually a ladder) and i have to go through a door, i look around and see if anyone is close. but i don't ask for help, i just kind of stumble and look just completely pathetic. every time, someone comes running and opens that door. sure, i put my pride on the line, but whatever i'm not opening that door with all this trash in my hands

i realized about 2 weeks ago that everyday at work, i will somehow get a cut and bleed just a bit. sometimes alot, sometimes not that much. so i bleed just a little bit every day. i also have headaches. does this qualify me for midol

the stages to perfection

stage one
buy a 1986 pontiac fiero for $300

stage two
fix her up
1. pull out radiator, patch the hole and re-install
2. pull out water pump, replace with new one
3. flush out radiator and all hoses with water hose
4. replace battery

stage three
spray paint entire car flat black

stage four
add custom intake, and create hole in exhaust to create the loudest machine ever