i dont care about baseball

a long time ago, i went to a baseball game with...someone. i can't remember who, but i was there and the angels were playing and i kept trying to freak people out by waving my arms like that one kid in "angels in the outfield"

i kept walkin around because honestly, baseball is boring to me. i like the atmosphere and i like relaxing and hanging out, but i think i was with some lame people, which led to me making laps around the field

eventually it came time when i needed to pee. which is a normal thing to do in the life of a man. so i searched and found a bathroom

i walk in and there are probably 25 urinals in a row with no barrier in between. they are those ones that go to the floor (ladies, i know you wouldn't understand so you can just skip this part). guys you know what i'm talkin about. you could almost step into them

as an added bonus, i am completely alone in this bathroom. no one there and it's a big bathroom. clean too, which is odd. i'm at a baseball stadium, shouldn't there be chewing tobacco spit on the floor and spilt beer everywhere?

so i'm doing my thing (i picked the middle urinal because i like the space. in fact i love the space. i stretched my arms out to express how devoted i was to this space) and i hear someone come in

this next part is how i remember the conversation. i honestly don't know much about baseball, and what he was saying was complete gibberish to me, so i will "italisize" everything that he says

hey can you believe that double play? man, jimmy johnson really can turn that happenin around
...yea dude totally (i'm still in mid-pee)
yea after seeing that brush back from jimmy in that non existent strike zone, i couldn't believe he almost struck out that clean up hitter
....yea i couldn't believe it (this guy must be kidding, who the hell is jimmy?)

at this point the freakin guy pulls up to the urinal right next to me, and continues this completely ridiculous conversation

yea at first josh johnson had his foot in the bucket, but when the top of the 3rd, he really knocked the cover off the ball, and got that home run derby. so when he was up again, i was all mendoza line
...yea, one day he should really get that looked at (luke hurry up hurry up just finish already and get out of here)
yea nick johnson was completely off base when that fly ball right off the bat at the bottom of the 6th. i heard a bunch of rhubarb behind me about the call, saying it was foul
(done, thank heaven) its weird how that happens sometimes
(ok i may be in a rush, but i'm not gross. time to clean the hands)

hey, is elliot johnson coming up on the mound today or will it be that screwball russ johnson?!? hahahaha!!
you know what man, i really honestly have no idea, i don't know anything about....(whats this sport?)....baseball
hahaha yea your right, he's not coming up today after reed johnson parked his fastball in the 2nd. i turned to my buddy and was like "say it aint so joe!" hahahahaha!!
(this man is not listening to anything i'm saying)
alright man, i'll catch you later i guess
ok but check out the cat-bird seat air mail when baltimore chop basket catch blocks the plate that little wanker!!
...ok later


i just want to publicly announce that there is no chatting in mens bathrooms. and if by some chance, there has to be conversation, it has to be quick and with friends only

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap while playing baseball, and he used to change it every two innings

3 comments:

David Hughes said...

hahaha...this is ridiculous.

i should hate you.

Alli Hibb said...

Luke, let's go to a game sometime...you and I can eat delicious food and not pay close attention to the game...

jordan sabolick said...

haa the furthest i ever go into a baseball stadium is mayyybe a harvest crusade..