my mom has a group of santas in the dinning room. they are very skinny, wooden santas. she calls them "the lord of the santas" and laughs every time she says it. i love my mom
i could be 80 years old and still think hiccups and farts are hilarious
i was watching scrubs the other day and it made me wonder what my tough biker name would be. like dragon king, or hells boot, or chainsaw king. but i'd probably just end up being gecko slayer
when i'm driving home from work, i can't shake the feeling that i have tons and tons of groceries in my car
oh yea, if you didn't know already...
booooyah. i work at costco. and as a costco employee i get to realize things like;
most common combination of food is: bananas, nuts, and avocados
hello kitty boom boxes are this years "hot item" at costco
costco employees love the lottery
costco shoppers love their mustaches to the max
tell them that the house is not for sale because the furnace is broke
just some quick ones
helicopters circling light my curiosity faster then a california wild fire. i could be on my way to a job interview, see a helicopter cicling and not get a job that day because i'm driving around town chasing chaos
i'm not ok with toilet paper commercials
30 second bloggggggin
whenever me and my sisters run out of toothpaste, we always go into our parents bedroom and take theirs. whenever they see it gone, they know to get some more. this still applies when we are moved out
war may not be the answer, but neither are negative bumper stickers and prius's
it kills me that mary kate and ashley olson sold over 800 thousand copies of this-brother for sale
i've been thinking of getting a turtle tattoo. nikki wants to call it a tat-turtle
i had wing stop for breakfast the other day. no regrets 08
getting ready for the music video
you have to prepare for these things. luckily i have a good friend named gabe to help me out
post on mypsace and facebooks and blogs worldwide
Refinery Episode 1
Camera slowly zooms out of a manly yet conservative mustache. slowly reveals taylor ishii standing in all his glory at the entrance to the majestic, urban, kind-of-reminds-me-of-a-tank, building which we like to call....
THE REFINERY
our hero, taylor, is working tonight, also known as "ishii-ing". his job is to generally rule the refinery and make sure the hooligans don't wreck the place.
crave has just finished and the always incredibly indecisive college-ins are beginning the discussion of "where to go now"
typical crave guy (TCG, but not typical college guy, they are completely different) - "we should go to in-n-out"
girl 1 - "no, we went last week. lets go to sushi! i know a place. we should go there because i'm familiar with it"
girl 2 - "but by the time we finish discussing this and leave it will probably be closed. hahahaha!!"
all three together - "lol!!"
taylor looks at camera and rolls his eyes in typical taylor fashion
mute math - "the typicaaaaaallll"
meanwhile every other person in the refinery is having pretty much the exact same discussion, so lets go upstairs
taylor looks at camera - "here let me show you my crib"
camera does weird repeat shot thing that always makes luke sick
luke - "yea it does"
upstairs we see ping pong tables, billiard tables, pool tables, pocket billiard tables, spa tables, regular tables, fable tables, maple tables, coffee tables, oak tables, end tables, pizza tables, poker tables, joker tables, black jack tables, flap jack tables, weird high tables that are part of a beam of some sort tables, glass tables on top of car tire tables, and chairs.
2 hours later
Oh no! the crave people are yet to decide on anything at all!
TCG - "so, i still think we should hit up in-n-out"
girl 1 - "no way! lets get sushi, i haven't had sushi in so long!"
girl 2 - "hahaha, its closed now! how funny is that?!?"
group - "lol!!"
david - "lets get poolside, right now"
just then we hear a trumpet, a guitar, and that weird fat guitar thingy that i think is a bass, play that song that is usually at the beginning of spanish movies
taylor - "they have come. they have come to play soccer. and holy crap they have jerseys"
yes, taylor is correct. all the workers that he invited to play a pick-up game of soccer have come. camera pans across every one of them, all wearing mexico jerseys, all with thick burly mustaches, and all with generations of naturally skilled soccer skills in their blood. these are the men that play soccer
and these are also the men that love destroying young college-ins at their national past time.
taylor needs a team. and fast! what are his options??
1. ask crave-ers to play
pro- people on the team
con= it'll take them another 2 hours to decide if they even want to start thinking about maybe playing
2. play by himself
pro - he can start the game and maybe only lose by 40 points
con- years of counseling to convince himself that he knows how to actually play soccer
3. cancel the game
pro - no game, no worries
con- angry mexican workers staring him down for the rest of his years, and constant jokes made in spanish
4. run away
pro- get to live in florida
con- have to live in florida
everyone in the refinery - "ewwwww!!!!"
oh what will the iish do??
tune in next time to
crave episodes!
i mean...
THE REFINERY
i should've written this one sooner
so me and dillon were working at this house the other day. i was working in the living room, dillan was running all over the house doing random stuff, and the owners had left. i would've been totally alone if it wasn't for their unbelievably cute puppy named "bella"
no matter where i was working, the dog would come and sit next to me and fall asleep. not even watching me, just in my general area. i would move, and he (she maybe?) it would follow.
only problem is, every time it came over to sit down, it would fart. like huge smelling but totally quiet farts. they smelled so unbelievably bad, i just couldn't understand how a dog that small could create a stench that horrible. but he/she/it would just look up at me and wag his/her/its tail. so i couldn't be mad obviously
dilan never got to experience the terror of the bella gas
i would see him/her/it coming and start singing "under my smelly bella-ella--ella---a---a" and she/him/it would run to me. so freakin cute. so i took pictures of bella hanging out with me
drafts
so to recap, whenever i get an idea for a blog, i write a text and save it to my drafts. sometimes i also save things i have to remember, eg. - songs to look up, things to do, people's names to remember, etc. i usually delete after i don't need the text anymore, but sometimes i forget
these are all the ones i forgot to delete. every single one, no exclusions
note - there are typos because i am doing these exactly how they are on my phone. i don't spell correctly on my phone all the time because i don't care. these are in order from most new to most old. keep in mind - there are 61 of them, so it's the longest post i've ever done ever
enjoy!
bernard proposed to rose and her answer was - 'i'm dying'. what a freakin debbie downer
jon
take time to realize
doubting thomas - nickel creek
prius owners are so cocky with all the freakin pro-peace, pro-earth, pro-choice and anti bush stickers they put all over their cars
what do you have? jazz bass. how many strings? four. ha! i win! wait what, that doesn't mean you won at all
and the little bugger farts like a maniac
north 405. off at santa monica. take a right. left at beverly glen(about a mile ish) corner of rochester & beverly glen. 10394 rochester
mustache men never shy from using double negatives
wow
clair's accent is so fake, she totally doesn't have it in this one scene
jolein ray
mustache men chew gum more often then they don't chew gum
my goofball status, concerning making kids laugh has definately jumped a few notches during mustache week
construction rig accident
what's mario's favorite kind of pants. denim denim denim
only at starbucks would i hear bob marley played right after damien rice
i have started measuring distances to places by hom many summer wilshire songs i get through before i get there
the deliciously mundane and curiously uncute
damn squeek shoes
but i'm right. i swear i'm right, it's like.....i knew it all along
play a harmonica
get different regular glasses, and sweet sunglasses
jesus is a friend of mine
you wear your bass so low! the other bass players wear them way high. it's so gay
how many bedrooms
ketton
do binoculars work underwater
shangrala
i always imagine what i would do on if i was on the island. what i would build, how i would build it, where i would build it. i imagine what i would do everyday, what i would do for clothes
lost is the greatest show ever
whats th key to comedy timing
just realized that God gave all men a pee gun come standard
i have this weird skill of being able to spot fake babies on tv shows or movies
fact- if you eat enough volcano tabo from tabo bell- your pomp turns red
subblime
pedi paws
but i also don't like maids of honor that half ass their duties. screw them
maids of honor that take the 'make sure the dress looks good when i'm at the altar' part way to extensively
it's never not amazing to me that the bride doesn't trip on her dress
ten bridesmaids?!? seriously? thats just
taking a nap during church is always so sketchy for me because i talk and mutter in my sleep. i'm scared of what i might shout in my sleep
it's a possibility that every saint was the same person, based on the paintings in every catholic church in the universe
jeffany
174
pizza and
yea. s
questions on my mind - can flies fly straight? ever?
stacy clark
sons of thunder
everything you do must be in love
love is a choice, attraction is not
5 north exit jeffery. turn left then a right on walnut left on yale. left on karen ann lane it's on the right
throwing an axe at a used
a verse of some sort on one side, another verse in french on the other
first time in my life i've ever wanted a mustache boob
psalm 54
film a commercial selling catch
jumping makes pee procrastinate
men with big beards probably don't go on first dates much because of food always hanging from their mustaches
1247
well there you go.
if peeing your pants is cool, consider me greg vail
every night as i get into bed, i get to see every pokemon character in creation. my sheets are pokemon sheets. why do i not get new ones? because i can't convince myself that spending the money is worth it. so until then, hello pokemon sheets
flys aren't scary. they really aren't. they are small and not intimidating. but one of those little buggers get near your ear without you looking, and it will freak you out to no end
on my deathbed, my final request will be that greg vail admit to me that he started playing sax because of the bodyguard soundtrack
i was at disneyland the other day and came to a realization. parades are gay. end of story
went to a baseball game the other day. kimmy gibbler sang the national anthem. i was the only one in the whole stadium that realized who she was
i was in line in the express lane at the store. woman in front of me has over 30 items, pays with cash and check, and has coupons, and is very elderly definitely did not speak english. i have incredible patience for these kinds of things but i couldn't help but laugh out loud at how long it all took. everyone else found no humor in the situation. i almost said "the express line 15 items or less, unless you don't speak english apparently" but sass was never my strong point
the law of the mustache man
- mustache men are always polite to the ladies, and always hold doors open for them
- mustache men always love their moms and will never refuse to wear any sweater given to them by their mother
- mustache men have motorcycles, or aspire to get one
- mustache men always make clever points, but are never proud or boastful about such things. they'll only give a close lipped smile, turn the head slightly, and wink
- mustache men never get frustrated at television programs, they only make comments about the program using clever facts and proverbs. this usually involves pointing
- mustache men with accents are rare and always need to be valued in the mustache posse
- mustache men have all had their run ins with the law, but calmly avoid going into detail about such events
- mustache men never turn down an opportunity to dress like a gentleman
- mustache men wearing hats are required to tilt their head down to any lady present
- mustache men only cry when..... wait... mustache men never ever cry ever
- mustache men are natural gunslingers
secret stache
lost my glasses. first casualty of mustache week
it's not that i forget that i have a mustache, it's that i forget what i look like with one. every time i wake up and look in the mirror, it's a shock
at night outside, when it gets really really cold, phil (my mustache) gets really cold. it feels like little prickly spider fingers crawling into my mouth, which obviously is terrifying
when thinking of things to do with a mustache, you start realizing that there is an extremely thin line between doing manly mustache activities, and doing gay mustache activities. who woulda thought that walking around with suspenders, no shirt, a yellow hard hat and a giant wrench is gay if you have a mustache
mustache week has begun
josh treece and i have decided to dedicate this entire week to the mustache. this was not originally going to be a huge deal, we just wanted to have mustache's for a week. but as more and more men caught on to what was going to happen, some have decided to jump in and rock a mustache for a week.
there have been many posts already about this week and it only started sunday. it lasts till saturday, and on saturday i will be shaving the mustache off. hang with me and witness the new facial feature that i have spent the past month building. here are the links to the other blogs already written about this week.
mustache week official beginning blog
dave's testimony
cnn interview
i dont think i even know this guy
thor life?
i feel like there are more, but i don't have time to look at every single one. let me know if you see any
let the games begin. i'll be updating quite frequently this week on the various things i've been doing with my new stache
september 6th/7th never forget
on september 6th, i ate a fudgescicle in the shower
when eating a fudgescicle in the shower, you for some reason can't stop dancing. but it's not real dancing, it's like when a toddler dances. you just kinda move your hips and your legs don't do much and your arms do whatever they want
when i got out of the shower, i dried myself off with a "finding nemo" towel. i did this because - at the end of a race, you usually have friends or family giving you high fives and hugs. but in the bathroom thats totally awkward, so i have fictional disney characters to give me props when i ate the fudgescicle in the shower
on the day that i ate a fudsgescicle in the shower, for the first time in my life i felt it necessary to have a mustache comb
every time i see a girl reading, i now assume it's that twilight series. so far i've been 100% right
what spin do i have to put on the ball so i don't suck at ping pong
playing ping pong on top of a very steep hill seems like the worst idea ever
i want a bug zapper. but i also want a bug attracter so i have more bugs to zap
on the day that i ate a fudgescicle in the shower, i decided to make trombone players my #1 enemy #1
drummer playing at the wedding i mixed on the day that i ate a fudgescicle in the shower - was african american and was eating fried chicken (that he brought from home) during the wedding
the cd's in my 6 disc cd changer in my car the day that i ate a fudgescicle in the shower
1. random worship cd (couple crowder, some hillsong, some phil wickham, some summer wilshire....)
2. the lakes (good band, used to be watshi wa, played the last show at the vault RIP)
3. recording of worship from crave this week (not that good of a recording, future trash item)
4. mixed cd sam gave me (it's a very odd collection of songs, but totally good to rock out to)
5. the gallows (if your angry, if your driving fast or if your off roading, but this on)
6. ryan adams - heartbreaker (98% of the time, i'm listening to this. so 98% of the time, i couldn't care less that i have a 6 cd disc changer)
on the day that i ate a fudgescicle in the shower, i didn't sleep and ended up working super late, watching lost season one, and having to leave early in the morning to play at a church. so that morning i drank a red bull sugar free in the shower
on the day i drank a red bull sugar free in the shower, i went to el pollo loco and got a burrito. i think the girl behind the counter liked me because the burrito i got was bigger then chipotle sized burritos. it was unreal. i also got an arnold palmer which was fantastic
on the day i drank a red bull sugar free in the shower, i dressed up nice because i made a promise with a friend that we would dress up nice. but apparently that only applied to me. over dressing for church is always a weird experience
list of things i've accomplished in the shower
1. drank a cactus cooler
2. ate a bowl of watermelon
3. ate a fudgescicle
4. drank a red bull sugar free
that guy riding a motorcycle that gets a sunburn on his lower back because he's wearing a t-shirt that keeps flapping up
i now see jean purchases as investments in future shorts
i pride myself in how quiet i can run in dress shoes
the law of the local indie band:
1st - most important, look cool and dirty. ex- v neck's, tight jeans, long dirty hair, facial hair is absolutely necessary
2nd - don't smile. you smile and your out of the band
3rd - get some dudes (bonus if its coed) together and start writing songs. quantity of songs is important, remember that
4th - get instruments, but exclude random usually important ones to make it more indie ex - no drums or no bass or no guitar
5th - lastly and definitely of least importance, learn how to play your instrument
if i'm driving and i see a plastic bottle of any sort in the street, all other goals are temporarily suspended until i attempt to run it over. after the attempt, all normal actions are resumed
come on spa, really? 3 1/4 ft deep? no one is really counting, and no one can tell 3 inches. just put 3ish
my cupholders can't hold most cups because they are that awkward size thats just a little to small. but they hold pringle cans quite nice, so i'm totally fine with it
top three best things about vegas:
1. being able to talk on your cell phone and drive legally
2. spitting inside casinos
3. buffets where you can have pepperoni pizza, mashed potatoes, taquitos, sushi and giant crazy crab legs on the same plate
top three sucky things about vegas (also known as a blow up list)
1. 120 degree weather at midnight
2. disgusting slushi margaritas that are put in guitar hero controller shaped cups
3. getting stuck off roading when driving home in the 120 degree heat at noon in the middle of between-vegas-and-civilization road (also known as Zzyzx road)
thank you steve from franks tow service for pulling us out with your gmc american masterpiece of off road machinery
btw - steve of course has a crazy accent and a kickin stache
felt the need to
when i think of things, just anything really that i want to remember, i will always type a text message and save it as a draft on my cell phone. i had a literal bucket full of ideas, but i went to the pool and decided to not remove my cell phone from my pocket. so also literally, many many many blog ideas died with my phone that day. i apologize for my idiocricy
when my phone died, instead of just not working, it decided to just vibrate constantly without letting any of the other functions of the phone be operable. no screen, no dialing, nothing, but it sure shootin could vibrate. i assume that thats the phone screaming in agony. you would think that it would scream with an annoying cell phone ring or just beep repeatedly
the person who's cell phone goes off at any public event (be it-church, movie theatre, sheryl crow concert), just happens to be the same person who doesn't know how to change the ringtone from the default one
i was at sam's house a while ago, and we were outside eating pretzels. his mom comes out and takes them away, saying that she needs those pretzels to help sam's little brother with his math homework. i instantly realized that this was the first time in my life that geometry prevented me from eating snacks
i'm almost positive that someone a long time ago simply started a rumor that eating the skin of cucumbers and potatoes could be healthy, probably as a joke
list of debbie downers to use if the time is right:
+if there is a pause in the conversation+ = "hey could we just take this time as a moment of silence for all the thousands of people in africa that wont eat today"
+if a cat walks by+ = "hey that looks like my old cat. but it probably isn't, it wasn't moving after dad ran over it with the truck"
+watching a boxing match+ = "man i remember my first black eye, mom sure was drunk that night"
i just can't even comprehend the thought process of the guy that saw the script for the first episode of "two and a half men" and thought "chuh-ching"
my mom bought the movie cloverfield. she's never seen it, so she wants me to watch it and tell her if she'll like it
yea yea yea!!! yeaaaa!! 7yyeaea
i needed inspiration for this blog so i freakin kicked on Audioslave. specifically the track gasoline. specifically freakin sweet. yeaaa!!!!
the theme is obviously burning gasoline with no actual metaphor behind it, which i identify with because i set ablaze billions of barrels of gas in my backyard as i dance with a giant can of cactus cooler that talks like fred savage
i dont like LA because i get lost easy there. if i am not automatically completed familiar with standard streets in a new area then i refuse to acclimate
i started a new job that rules. i install crazy stuff and make houses super sweet. the actual job description is; "go to people's houses and install crazy stuff and make their house super sweet, and don't forget to kick ass"
our insane beeper bird named pedro just received a big mirror from us, his (maybe her? freakin a-sexual birds) owners which means us. ever since then, it has made a weird noise as it stares into the mirror. i feel like it's trying to mate with the mirror, which means it's in love with the image which means it's in love with him/her/itself. which therefor means i have a homosexual, possibly a-sexual, and absolutely unknowingly conceited devil bird. freakin cocktails....cockatails....cockotails? freakin birds and their uncontrollable conceit
ehhhh gotta get in the shower
later pollos
-ellvis luke peter vincent saint hilaire of bel air lines
some of my thoughts about pigeons
first of all, i didn't know how hard it was to spell pigeon till i spent the past 5 minutes trying to figure that one out. i wonder if adam also got to choose how to spell the animals name. if so, what a jerk. llama? serious? come on adam
there are a few select pigeons out there that want to be vultures. you will typically see them away from the pack, up high, but not to high, looking down on you looking solemn. but in it's head, it is so stoked
pigeon by itself= sometimes cute, unscary
pigeon in swarm=freakin terrifying, hide
pigeons with one leg don't bob their heads like normal pigeons. but they will still poop on jesse's hat if they get a chance, which makes them as annoying as every other bird on the earth
manchester united vs chelsea
why have i not written anything in a while. good question. but here's a better question; how do you fix mac powerbooks for free
so here's my letter to my mac
dear powerboss, (that's his name)
we had a really good relationship, and i miss you. i miss being able to listen to my favorite matchbox twenty song while browsing the fantastically fast internet. your keys were comforting and i miss your garage band beats. they always seemed original and creative (even though every mac had them). remember that time i was writing a blog, and i accidently wrote "boobey force" and you pointed it out? we laughed and laughed, i was in tears, and you were rofl-ing. your suggested book marks were always a great help, and i felt like we learned something new about each other daily. we were doing good powerboss
than i woke up and your stupid screen is all stupid white and everything works but i can't see crap on your stupid screen you stupid computer stupid head.
RIP powerboss
-luke
lets do this
i was working around the house today and i smelled a fire. i walked outside and santi could smell it, along with sam and jesse. the people here could not smell the fire. i realized californians have a 6th sense for when there's a fire
i helped cook dinner the other night again. i made chicken, well i didn't make chicken. there are so many fried chicken places around here, and every single one of them looks so good. kabab places look freakin delicious to. they have a giant rotating slab of meat that they carve off of for the meat, and i asked what kind of meat it is. the guy said "it has some lamb in it" and he stopped talking. i asked what else might be in it, but he just stared at me. it tasted pretty good
i saw 2 dudes doing wheelies on vespas the other day. i couldn't help but yell, i was so stoked. what else did i yell out of joy in the past few days?
1. getting ice cream things at the store that were sooo good
2. walking outside today and not having to wear jackets
3. hearing the ice cream truck drive by, me and sam yelling out of our bedroom window
4. finally having clean clothes again
5. finding out my mom might be sending me pringles today
6. i don't have to cook dinner tonight, first time in days
7. being comfortable on my bed
8. i still laugh when i look at that last post i did
the kids have school uniforms
today, an old man was sitting next to us on the tube, smelled pretty foul actually, and he looked familiar. sure he was wearing gray sweatpants, and about 16 different types of various jackets, and a green beanie, but when he spoke i realized. the guy was where the lucky charms leprechaun would end up and act like when he's retired, drunk, and hates the kids that sit next to him on the tube
i knew i recognized him
alright here we really go
this how my day really was
freakin get on the tube to find my old friend josh's church. all i knew was the address. 1a kennington road. and it was a coffee shop at a church. no big deal right?
first of all, there are 4-5 different types of kennington road. ex - kennington, kennington road, kennington drive, kennington avenue, kennington circle. plus the fact that there is a kensington road very close to kennington road. so thanks london
me and sam walking around. but i have my turtle neck so i'm fine. but i look up
its going to rain
so we're trying to find this place, and we are literally taking the tube, looking at maps, and walking around for about an hour before it just starts pouring rain. so we're lost, and now its even hailing. we are laughing, because it's funny, but what the heck london.
then a cop drives by and hits a puddle and drenches us in puddle water, as it's hailing. thanks london
more on this day tomorrow. my room mates are pissed that i'm still up typing and it's 3 am here
later pollos
about to sleep
walked around london today. realized something; its not cold enough to wear 2 jackets, but it is cold enough to regret not wearing 2 jackets
went to an art museum. my favorite part was walking up to a couch almost full of people and asking if that seat is taken. then just passing out for half an hour. woke up to sam santi and jesse being jealous. yea, i come up with the good ideas
"ew luke, dont wear a turtle neck, its not even that cold out"
fine i wont
*brain says* - what are you thinking, its going to be freezing. put that thing on now
no its fine, it wont be that cold
*legs say* - yea no big deal
*chest says* - we dont need a turtle neck. this deep v will do just fine
yea brain, geez
----6 hours later------
*chest says* - luke your an idiot
why is it so cold, blimey
*brain says* - yea! huh, well look what you did. turtle neck looks kind of cool now huh? idiot
*legs say* - man im so tired and cold and tired. go to that couch and rest, those people wont care
this v neck is really not warm at all
*brain says* - told you so told you so
*legs say* - what are you even doing in an art museum
art is stupid
*brain says* - your stupid
*shelby says* - your all stupid. wear more turtle necks
taste the semi-authenticity
i'm in london. weird
everyone smells fine getting on a 10 hour plane ride. about 6 hours into it, the odor gets a little out of hand. 9 hours into it, your sitting on the floor in the lavatory listening to your ipod shuffle until the stewardess asks for a second time if your ok
even in london, kids still watching pimp my ride. even in london, pimped cars look stupid
freakin drivers here are out of control. small roads, cars parked on both sides, i still haven't seen a speed limit sign. ballzy red coats
listening to your shuffle while sleeping is cool and all, till it lands on limp bizkit. then you jolt awake and freak out that nerdy british dude reading star wars across the aisle from you
my elbows aren't meant for the aisle seat, because the beverage cart isn't meant to avoid my elbows when i'm attempting to get some freakin sleep
no i don't like the movie "ps i love you". but it was either that or "i am legend" in french with chinese subtitles. thanks airfrance for the terrific movie selection
pringles have that amazing power to make you feel at home no matter where you go
i'll probably regret this in the morning
its shocking how often i'll be in cvs and hear the theme song from beauty and the beast
i met my sisters new boyfriend last night. i meant to ask him a bunch of real tough questions, but i settled for these few. mercedes thinks i was being a jerk, but it was totally worth it
1. you have a job? you went to college? where? how long?
2. where do you live? why do you live with your sister?
3. what are your thoughts on moving in with your girlfriend before marriage?
4. what are your intentions with my sister?
5. are you 2 actually dating, or is this just hanging out?
6. do you go to church? why not?
7. what are your thoughts about sex before marriage?
i didn't make him answer that last one, i started just laughing way to hard
whatever i'm a brother. i'm allowed to ask these questions
elbow you into my life
the main reason why i love going to small shows is that it is a perfect breeding ground for unbearable awkwardness.
eg.- you see someone you know, you wave kind of, they see you but they smile but they might be looking at someone else, do you walk up? maybe you dont, but maybe they walk up to you, do you hug? maybe a small handshake. good luck trying to make conversation, but what the heck, you'll try anyways. oh you cant hear? well do you go outside, or was the only thing you were going to say was hello? then do you hang around them, or walk away?
its like a symphony of uncomfortable situations
every morning, without fail, a ball of lint will have formed in my bell button over night. and every morning in the shower, it escapes and runs down my leg and out of my life forever.
the other day i named it "cletus". every morning i've named the new guy
yesterday i yelled at fitzpatrick and told him to get out, and never come back. i stared him down as he headed down the drain
i feel like singing, i feel like dancing, i feel like boppin!! bop it, twist it, pull it
i don't care what corporate Honda says, it will always be the pond. emilio!!
no matter how many mints i eat, or how many pieces of gum i have, or the extensive time i spend brushing. if i burp, it was all for nothing
i love seeing someone get pulled over. especially for running red lights. oh man, if i see someone run a red and get pulled over, my week is complete
sometimes we work for people that i am certain have made up an accent. and why does she always have stuff to do in "lahuna beetch"?
i dont care about baseball
a long time ago, i went to a baseball game with...someone. i can't remember who, but i was there and the angels were playing and i kept trying to freak people out by waving my arms like that one kid in "angels in the outfield"
i kept walkin around because honestly, baseball is boring to me. i like the atmosphere and i like relaxing and hanging out, but i think i was with some lame people, which led to me making laps around the field
eventually it came time when i needed to pee. which is a normal thing to do in the life of a man. so i searched and found a bathroom
i walk in and there are probably 25 urinals in a row with no barrier in between. they are those ones that go to the floor (ladies, i know you wouldn't understand so you can just skip this part). guys you know what i'm talkin about. you could almost step into them
as an added bonus, i am completely alone in this bathroom. no one there and it's a big bathroom. clean too, which is odd. i'm at a baseball stadium, shouldn't there be chewing tobacco spit on the floor and spilt beer everywhere?
so i'm doing my thing (i picked the middle urinal because i like the space. in fact i love the space. i stretched my arms out to express how devoted i was to this space) and i hear someone come in
this next part is how i remember the conversation. i honestly don't know much about baseball, and what he was saying was complete gibberish to me, so i will "italisize" everything that he says
hey can you believe that double play? man, jimmy johnson really can turn that happenin around
...yea dude totally (i'm still in mid-pee)
yea after seeing that brush back from jimmy in that non existent strike zone, i couldn't believe he almost struck out that clean up hitter
....yea i couldn't believe it (this guy must be kidding, who the hell is jimmy?)
at this point the freakin guy pulls up to the urinal right next to me, and continues this completely ridiculous conversation
yea at first josh johnson had his foot in the bucket, but when the top of the 3rd, he really knocked the cover off the ball, and got that home run derby. so when he was up again, i was all mendoza line
...yea, one day he should really get that looked at (luke hurry up hurry up just finish already and get out of here)
yea nick johnson was completely off base when that fly ball right off the bat at the bottom of the 6th. i heard a bunch of rhubarb behind me about the call, saying it was foul
(done, thank heaven) its weird how that happens sometimes
(ok i may be in a rush, but i'm not gross. time to clean the hands)
hey, is elliot johnson coming up on the mound today or will it be that screwball russ johnson?!? hahahaha!!
you know what man, i really honestly have no idea, i don't know anything about....(whats this sport?)....baseball
hahaha yea your right, he's not coming up today after reed johnson parked his fastball in the 2nd. i turned to my buddy and was like "say it aint so joe!" hahahahaha!!
(this man is not listening to anything i'm saying)
alright man, i'll catch you later i guess
ok but check out the cat-bird seat air mail when baltimore chop basket catch blocks the plate that little wanker!!
...ok later
i just want to publicly announce that there is no chatting in mens bathrooms. and if by some chance, there has to be conversation, it has to be quick and with friends only
Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap while playing baseball, and he used to change it every two innings
just me and the ritz
i'm not overdramatic, doing sound for horrible bands really actually makes me want to shoot a harpoon into my mouth
loud keyboard amps are my new worst enemy. i will make a group solely bent to the end of them. we will have meetings, and patches on jackets
no matter what, if i'm on the phone with someone having a serious conversation and i hear them order food at a drive through, it's over
sometimes i want to buy those fake eyes that people need when they lose an eye, and leave them places. eg; attics, fast food restaurants, urinals, on top of blind dogs, outside of braille colleges, inside people's jacket pockets, cereal boxes, kids strollers
someone just proposed on stage at a local band night at the vault. she said yes, we all witnessed it. every couple in the room kissed each other. i kissed shelby
when i'm at work and i've got a bunch of stuff in my hands (usually a ladder) and i have to go through a door, i look around and see if anyone is close. but i don't ask for help, i just kind of stumble and look just completely pathetic. every time, someone comes running and opens that door. sure, i put my pride on the line, but whatever i'm not opening that door with all this trash in my hands
i realized about 2 weeks ago that everyday at work, i will somehow get a cut and bleed just a bit. sometimes alot, sometimes not that much. so i bleed just a little bit every day. i also have headaches. does this qualify me for midol
the stages to perfection
stage one
buy a 1986 pontiac fiero for $300
stage two
fix her up
1. pull out radiator, patch the hole and re-install
2. pull out water pump, replace with new one
3. flush out radiator and all hoses with water hose
4. replace battery
stage three
spray paint entire car flat black
stage four
add custom intake, and create hole in exhaust to create the loudest machine ever
perfection
oh yea this little guy
thoughts before getting my tattoo
sid's tattoo parlor in santa ana, chris did my work. this guy is a good dude
i'm freakin terrified, and everyone here is confirming that i should be
but it's going to look so sweet, and everyone here is confirming that it will
the smell of a tattoo parlor is like nothing else. its always a pretty relaxed atmosphere but smells like a sterilized room
the clock thats on the wall that says "arch mate! it be tattoo time"
so here it is. 1 1/2 hours later, and with the worst pain i've ever felt in my life, i got my outline done
take a hike
so after work yesterday, we decided to go for a little walk through the woods. after much hassle and senseless complications, tom, nick, santi, caleb and i piled into tom's truck and headed off to holy jim's trail in trabuco canyon. we heard a rumor that there was a stunning waterfall hidden in the wildlife
after tramping for about 45 minutes going back and forth over a semi small creek to try to find the end, we arrived
there was a small waterfall before, but the main one was a little bigger at a whopping approximate 16 feet high. kind of not worth it. but at the walk was fun to and from
not bitter towards couples, just no PDA around me today
from all the tv i watch, it seems that parachutes get people stuck in trees alot
frustration - high rise office building, glass windows. guy just finishes cleaning all the windows for the month. the feeling the guy in the one highest office feels when the bird flew by and pooed all over his window
i was at pavilions with my buddy johnny at work getting sushi for breakfast, and we were waiting in line when one of the employees bounced out from behind an aisle and said "no one waits at pavilions!" and led us to a checkout. cant stand that guy
i'm still debating whether or not to hunt down a pair of those glow light up shoes in a size 10 1/2
i'm not a hypocrite, i just change my opinion alot. it's america, i do what i want
i don't want to taste a rainbow, i just want those skittles. now
i took my stitches out last night. with my teeth. blindfolded. while installing a ceiling fan and fighting terrorists
seriously though, took them out last night. not even a big deal. i was actually going to pay someone to do it. pfff. no biggy. no biggy smalls
new found glory appreciation of hall and oats. listen to bitch girl, go here myspace.com/proudest_monkey and you'll get an earfull of it
i made pancakes this morning. first pancake wasn't that good, second was great, 3rd 4th and 5th were great. gabe finished half of 5 and all of six. pancakes go great with a glass of milk and a fanta. orange of course. jeeze who do you think i am
trip down memory lane
so i was reading old posts today, its weird that i still make myself laugh, and that it usually is the second try when i spell "weird" right
the cop in this crime show is named brown. he's black
i'm going to try to not get sick this week even though it feels like i walk into a sick ward every time i come home. i can fight this with my pal vitamin c and determination
i dont know if i ever publicly wrote this in the blog world, but i moved out of my mom's house last july and i've been living with a bunch of dudes in a town home in ladera. my daily diet has usually been chili, chips and soda. i eat fast food every day and just kinda hang out alot. life has pretty standard bachelor lifestyle. but times they are a changing
i'll explain later
fridays a good day for thinking
i'm at work texting for my friend john on his phone because he's driving and can't multi task because driving and texting is "dangerous" and "a danger to the company" or whatever my boss says, so i was doin the work. i was trying to text some random word, i can't remember and this word pooped out of t9
Crasmux
i did not recognize this word, so i started coming up with possible definitions in my head
-the process of cheek expansion when a squirrel has many acorns in its mouth
-that section of moisture that nerdy kid always had between his nose and upper lip
-that type of candle that doesn't really smell that great, so it's always left on the shelf, so they always just end up having them for years
-a type of glue derived from whale fat
-commonly accidently said when attempting to say "christmas"
if i owned fish, i would always struggle with determining when is "to big" to flush it down the toilet when its dead
i hate koi fish because they always seem so peaceful and hang out by you when you cruise by to say hey, but the second your hand is about to pet them, they take off and freak out
i think i have a secret developing battle with all crows everywhere. they are just so cocky, the way they just stand there on the street and take off at the last second, or not even move at all because they are on the curb and know you wont hit the curb to hit a crow, even if you have an xterra
and yes, i am listening to the best of the beastie boys
hospital trip #2
here's a text message conversation from today. you can probably tell which one is me
+hahahahaha oh man i have a story for you
-haha uh oh
+yea uh oh. you bet your booty uh oh
-haha crap
+lets just say this - blood everywhere
-...yours?!
+...yea
-Luke?! What did you do
+attics can be very dangerous
-Luke you stop bleeding this instant
+ hahahahaha i'm sorry i cant. i'm hoping the doctor will help with that. Btw- driving yourself to the ER is so wierd
-Luke! You should not be driving!
+ to late i'm here. ok i've got to go
-ok ok. Be ok! Be ok!
today, for the first time ever, i read a first aid guide and followed action steps
i'm still amazed by how much i laugh when i'm in an contact with anything medical in any way
as i was getting the stitches, i was giving the doctor advice on his various electrical issues
my knee is like a little football
i'll post pictures when i take this bandage off later tomorrow
yep definitely still single
sometimes i have this strange suspicion that a potato is just cow poop and everyone is playing a giant prank on me
i could build a bunk bed if i wanted to, tom!
so to recap my friday of fun.....
+i'm on my way to see a private john mayer concert, my parents are saving me a seat, i'm late, i need a namm badge to get in but i dont have one and its to late to remedy that, and i'm still stuck in traffic. and i havent even had any doritos today+
so now that your caught up, lets finish this trash
i finally get off the freeway by exiting harbor (which is the correct exit, this is a rare thing for me), and start heading towards the show. but oh hey, look at that, more freakin traffic. worse than the freeway. super craptastic.
example: i'm at a stop light, two cars are in front of me. they decide to turn left instead and dont make it, and with that ignorant action have simultaneously stopped all cars in that lane, specifically me, and i cant get around them, and cars are going by to fast for me to dart around. i got an opening right as the light turned yellow, and man did i give them one heck of a "yousuckyousuckyousuck" glare
my mom texted me = hey luke, just come to the show and we'll just see if you can get in without a badge
good news. i go to my perfect unusually close free parking spot and head over to the show. my mom tells me to meet her in the lobby (mayer is singing his little heart out in a small ballroom at a hotel. he does that i guess)
i get to the lobby, filled with people. tons of people. cant stand in one place without getting pushed around. ridiculous. i say to myself, out loud, "you should probably just call her luke, seriously good luck finding her. then you should find a bathroom....soon"
oh even better, no cell reception. at this point, i'm almost convinced that God doesn't want me to see a john mayer concert tonight. so i start seeing if there's anything else i could do since i'm there. i look around and see 2 trombone players soloing with a jazz band, and it sounded like two manatees trying to pass a kidney stone. on the verge of throwing the closest thing in reach, my little mom pokes her head around the corner
so here we go, up the escalator. a gruesome sight. literally maybe 2 hundred people in line to see our mayer buddy. my mom, with the utmost confidence, walks right past everyone. i hear some random comments
*what the heck?*
*what are they doing?*
*hey you have to wait in line!*
*i like that guys jacket, its so nice*
after adjusting my coat a little bit, we get to the front and my mom pretty much pulled some magic "mom strings" and got me in. she escorted me to my seat, and in a room of about 250 people, phil keaggy along with several other artists opened for my man john
then he came up, sat down, and sang to me, my parents, and a few other people in the room
it was fantastic
and all the horses and all the kings men, couldnt get me an extra namm badge
yesterday my mom texted me at work while i was working at my job at work, and asked me if i wanted to go see this little guy named john mayer.
let me explain some things.
1! - every year there is a convention at the anaheim convention center called "namm"
http://www.thenammshow.com/
2! - my parents go every single year, and this year was no exception
3! - you cant just buy a badge, its kind of hard to get in
4! - they have private concerts every year for nammies that only allow nammies
5! - i have a badge every year
6! - its happening this week, thursday through sunday
with that understood, my mom was actually inviting me to a private concert that he was having for all nammies. so yea, i said yea to my mom on the phone i told her i would go
some more fun facts
1! - didn't have my badge yet, have to pick it up from will call, i'm still at work and its 445, will call closes at six, i still have to go home and change. ah! so i run home, or drive actually, and change and set my course for the namm show
2! - traffic blows. friday afternoon, 5 o'clock going north? i'm not some traffic predicting genius, how was i supposed to know. turns out most of the traffic was some teenage girl sitting in her not-running car in the middle lane without her hazards on. you should have seen that glare i gave her, oh man she was put in her place
3! - i still don't have insurance. thats goal number 2 for today. so i'm stop and go traffic, and some looser runs into me. i look in my mirror and he's just covering up his mouth shaking his head. it hit my car pretty bad, but i just didn't want to deal with this right now.
and apparently neither did he. he took off in the next lane making a run for it. now there is no way that someone is going to get away like that in my book, and i have an all terrain vehicle, so i set my sights and chased that little tard with all my driving skills. he was no match and i got him to pull over in minutes.
but it didn't take minutes, it took like, 30 minutes just to get over because of traffic. finally we're in a parking lot and i get out and this was my conversation with him
"hey whats the deal man"
"i'm so sorry! oh my gosh, i am so sorry! i just put on my brakes and slid into you!" (does slide motion with arm)
"ok, well lets see what you did" (i look at my tailhitch and look at his front bumper. nothing on my car, a bit scraped up on his)
"oh my car is a piece of s***, dont worry about my car. are we cool? are we cool?"
"well there's no damage on my car, you don't care about your car, and i need to leave. you drive like an idiot, your so damn lucky that it was me you ran into because anyone else would be ruining you right now. get out of here and stop being retarded when you drive"
"thank you so much man oh my gosh thank you"
"yea whatever just stop running into people"
and i left
4! - oh look at that its freakin 615 and i'm stuck in traffic and i'm not even close to namm
ahhhh!!!!
to be continued.....
later today.....
time to set some standards
alright me and my friend dave, (please visit his blog soon, its a fantastic read) have decided to start investing some time and point out flaws in todays pizza buying culture
every time that pizza is involved in any situation where i am present, i will assess the situation and determine how successful the pizza selection is
so lets start off with what happened last night
got home from crave last night, and matt, tyler and kenzie had ordered pizza. lets see how they did
pizza brand: dominos
number ordered: 2
crust type: the original
parmesan cheese provided: yes
real pizza's (pizza with pepperoni): 0
others: 2
pepperoni percentage: 0%
other percentage: 100%
event grade: complete failure. f-
pizza without pepperoni = cheese pizza
pizza with sausage = pizza with pepperoni and sausage
pizza without pepperoni but with ham and lettuce = pizza with ham and lettuce
pizza without pepperoni but with ham, pineapple, sausage, bell peppers, jalapenos, onions, cucumbers and olives = immediate deportation out of america
if there was a slice of pepperoni pizza and a hundred cheese slices, you bet your booty that i'm eating only one slice of pizza
there is nothing foolish about carrying a cooler with emergency sticks of pepperoni to an event
alright here's what i want to know. whens the last time you ate pizza, where was it from and how many slices of pepperoni did you have
secret cleavage
turns out i'm horrible at guessing the age of young children
i said this one kid was 5, turns out he just turned 1
thought this one girl was 8, she was 3
sorry for being the youngest in the family and never ever ever dealing with kids ever
sorry banana, i tried
i dont like em. i dont hate them either
pros and cons of bananas
pro - easily the most fun you could have with a fruit
con - feels disgusting when your eating them
pro - bananas are funny
con - babies love bananas and love grossing everyone out by making a mess of it
pro - comes standard with sport grip
con - is it fuzzy? what is up with the texture of the edible part?
pro - essential ingredient in smoothies
con - essential ingredient in making me vomit
pro - throwing a banana at someone is always hilarious
con - the banana bits that were left over from our banana fight wont come off the kitchen cabinets
i feel like bananas are like the show happy days. i like the idea of it, but in all reality i really cant stand it. yea it was kind of funny, but honestly the show was totally lame, the only good points were;
a. the theme song
b. fonzie
c. weezers music video for buddy holly
no way someone would just ride around town jumping crap with their harley
maybe i'm being to harsh and i need to focus on the health aspects of a banana. if your thinking that, then i refer you to my article about a typical breakfast for me
jerk fonz always talking in third person, still in the top 3 best things about happy days
alright people, heres the deal
whats your least favorite fruit, and whats your least favorite nick-at-night show
just one thing
i woke up and wrote this on my window. it faces the street and all the other houses
if i had a camel, i would name it cameleeah (prounounced - "camel-lee-ah")
